Little sharing about my panic attack

So exactly two years ago around this time I got my first panic attack. I remember how awful that feeling was and I don't want to experience it anymore.

At first, it was just a little arguement with my parents about some trivial matter. But I just couldn't accept that. I started to rummage the laundry and threw out my tantrum to get calm. After that I started to blame myself for the arguement as I always do. And I hit myself quite hard on the head and my left ribs a few times. (How I throw my tantrums all over myself)

And everytime I blame myself, I always recall about my grandpa who had died 4 years ago.(That was when I started to blame myself more often) I cried even louder, I breathed hardly, I felt like I got a heart attack or I'm going to die or faint feelings, my hands, feet and face went cold, tingling and a bit numb. It just so awful that I don't want to think about it anymore... So I went to my parents room and told them about my condition. At first, they thought I was just made all those things up. But after they told me to lie down and they see how stiff my feet were and how cold they were, they started to calm me down by giving a little massage. Just imagine that I have to stay like that for more than 10 min. (oh god! That feeling's coming again)

I know what it was but I just didn't tell my parents about it. Because I just don't feel like they gonna believe me. So I let myself struggle alone, that sometimes I got it at school. Shortness of breathing and tears, all of it was because I'm afraid of my own panic attack. I told my bestie about it just to... you know calm down a little bit.

But then it started to get really bad that it impacts my thought. That apparently affected my self confidence. Literally, I became worry a lot. I even worried about sth that is not likely to happen.

But then I realised if this things continue I'll never be at ease. And I tried to fight all the thought by all the motivated words like "I can do it" or "I am strong" or anything just to throw away that negative thoughts. And I found it really effective as I gradually build my self confidence.

I nearly never experience panic attacks now. Just a few times when I'm on my exam or forgot sth.(I'm quite forgetful sometimes. Human!) Oh man! That was quite intense as I got one on my last final... The feels like I need to inhale deeply so that I could get enough oxygen or I'll be dying.(you see? sucks right? But that's part of me too)

And I have my bestie from twitter who is always there for me regarding the different time zones. I wanna thank her a lot that she is also the main factor that I am able to fight this things. I know eventhough how great I try fight it, it is always there.(It's been all over the internet) It may come back wherever and whenever it want regardless how long I haven't got one. So I'm accepting it and I believe that I can be better.

This is my experience about my panic attack.(It wasn't little though) I thought maybe sharing it with you all, we can help each other. Thanks for reading :)